Library book vandal

I love reading, I also love bookshops and libraries. For me there is nothing nicer than to while away an hour or so in a book shop or a library.

Thing is though, I am a very fast reader so I will find myself shooting off to the library after work and choosing four or five books and anticipating an early night in order to get started on whichever book appeals the most. The early night is because I seldom read anywhere other than in bed, I cannot sleep unless I have read for a while, consequently I rarely read at any other time because, if I do, I will just want to go to sleep!

The problem with library books ( apart from having to take them back) are the other readers. These are the people who have had the book out before you and developed their own secret code and this 'code' is usually scrawled across a page in biro, pencil or red felt tip pen.

You must have seen it, page 67 is marked with a red circle around the 67 and I presume means that the woman marks that page so that each time she chooses a new book she can check page 67 and then she'll know if she has read it.................by the way, don't ask me how I know it's a woman because I can't answer that, I just know!

Next we have 'smart arse reader', in a way this one is even more irritating because he thinks he's highly intelligent and his trick is to spot any spelling mistakes. I don't think he reads any of the book as he probably wouldn't have time, seeing he's looking for mis-spelt words but he does get very excited when he finds one and will generally underline it, heavily in pencil. I imagine once underlined, he leans back heavily in his seat glowing with the satisfaction of a job well done. By the way, don't ask me how I know it's a man because I can't answer that, I just know!

Then we have 'grammar and punctuation checker'. Now this one really is the bitter end. He/she correct all the mistakes they find with arrows, squiggles and dashes, they start off in the column and then swoop over the text with long pointy lines going here and there, they always use a blue biro and you can almost feel their smug complacency as they correct this and that with gay abandon and presumably, fondly imagine they are incredibly superior to the rest of us. By the way, don't ask me how I know it's a man or woman because I can't answer that, I just know.

Finally, is Mr and Mrs exclamation mark. You are half way down a page when you see an exclamation mark, this will be in the column or beside a word and will generally be in pencil or blue biro, you wonder why it's there but can't find a reason so you carry on reading. You have just read a paragraph which contained the one sex scene in the book, but what has that to do with an exclamation mark? Nothing................exactly, you see, as you read on you will notice Mr and Mrs E Mark also like to make comments in the margin. 'Phew' after the sex scene, 'Shoddy', 'Poor', 'Really' all with their accompanying exclamation marks.

Why do people do this? We, the library book readers are never going to meet these weirdos, which is a shame in a way as we will never get the opportunity to bash their brains out with the books they have defiled, so what is the point? Are we supposed to be secretly impressed? It makes my blood boil and of course only happens with library books. It is time to fight back. So I am now armed with a sharp pencil, a blue biro and a red felt tip pen. You have been warned!